Within one year and nine months of relationship, yesterday fight was the biggest, and most painful one. We had fought several times, but this one hurt me the most. The truth is I hurt myself most.
At first I was just simply upset because of her twin, and tired from long trip and less sleeping. I was so irritated and I talked to her about it, I do not expect her to talk to her sister or anything. I just expected her simply understand me and stand by my side. But it was not the way I expected and it made me more upset. That time was on her because things did not turn out as I wanted. She said I was acting so badly to people around me. I was irritated and tired, I did not mean to treat people around me badly but I guess I acted that way.
I tried to be normal after I got back to hotel and taking a nap. I think I was fine after nap but when I talked to her how her sis irritate me, she told me like I was the one who is being sensitive and no understanding. She told me that did I act the same when I went out with others. I just simply wanted comfort from her and some agreements from her telling me that she is on my side, but it was totally opposite and unexpected. I did not know how to react and the only way I know is I do not want to talk with her anymore. I know I act wrong and I expected too much.
This is also the moment that I got to know myself more. I always thought that I was nice and sweet to her, but in reality I was just a selfish and childish person. That was one of my true sides and I am sure she hated that. Furthermore, I hated that. The argument and fight started simply but the more I talked about, the more I could not stop and think things clearly. Moreover, the words lead to the very end of this relationship.
I told her heartlessly to break up and end this relationship because I was so mad and vulnerable. I believe we both said the things that we did not mean and regretted after the words turned into swords and impale till the deepest parts of heart. I thought if someone wants to leave, I could hold the door and wide open for that person but when she left, I knew that I could not do that. I felt empty for the first time. That is the time I knew that I need to get her back.
I am glad that I did and we are still together till now. But deep inside, I feel something is broken, and it is not like before though I felt more stronger about us. Maybe I am overthinking but I feel I have lost a thing between us. I am not sure we can be like before especially when we are in this LDR. Hope this strong feelings can bring us together again.